🍋The Art of No Deal: Trump’s Guide to Rewarding War Criminals, Alienating Allies, and Inspiring Dictators Everywhere

No Deal!

Spoiler Alert: Peace is here! Well… kind of. But it comes with a small price tag: just hand over five Ukrainian provinces, forget international law exists, and pretend Putin isn’t a KGB lizard in a judo gi. Easy-peasy, right?

So while the rest of us were over here hoping not to get nuked before lunch, President Donald “Reality TV Season 8: The Sequel” Trump has emerged from Mar-a-Lago like a sweaty diplomatic phoenix to declare he can end the Ukraine war in 24 hours. All it takes is everyone doing exactly what Putin wants. Genius! Who knew diplomacy was just a matter of telling the victim to give up and the bully to carry on?

☢️ Trump’s Peace Plan: Just Stop Resisting Already, Ukraine

According to the Trump Doctrine™ (now available at Walmart with a free MAGA mug), Ukraine is the problem. Yes, the country being invaded. Fighting back, it turns out, is so rude. Trump said it best when he explained how Ukraine should’ve just known better than to exist near Russia. It’s like blaming a house for getting burgled because the door had a handle.

He even hinted Ukraine should surrender territory because it’s “20 times smaller” than Russia. Ah yes, the old “size matters” doctrine of foreign policy. By that logic, Guam should surrender to Canada immediately.

Meanwhile, European leaders are clutching their pearls, sobbing into their constitutional treaties. France fainted dramatically, Germany broke out the emergency bratwurst, and Poland just started throwing history books at anyone who would listen.

👑 Steve “I Just Met a Dictator and I Liked It” Witkoff

Now let’s talk about Trump’s special envoy to PeaceLand™, Steve Witkoff. A man with all the geopolitical experience of a Bed Bath & Beyond store manager, Witkoff has boldly stepped into the arena of international diplomacy by... liking Putin.

Yep. He met with Vlad the Annexer and declared, “He’s actually not a bad guy.” This was shortly after Putin polished off a war crimes buffet featuring missile strikes on hospitals and sham referendums with 143% voter turnout. But hey—maybe Steve was just dazzled by the free caviar and mild cyanide fumes.

Also, fun fact: Witkoff is a real estate mogul. Nothing says “let’s solve war crimes” like bringing in a guy who sells condos to billionaires. If Ukraine isn’t careful, Odessa will be rebranded “Putin Pointe by Trump Resorts.”

🇻🇦 J.D. Vance and the Pope’s Final Confession: “I Regret Everything”

In a twist so bizarre even House of Cards said, “Nah, too far,” Vice President J.D. “Hillbilly Apocalypse” Vance managed to be the last person to see Pope Francis alive. Coincidence? The Vatican isn’t saying, but rumor has it Francis took one look at Vance and decided it was time to check out early.

Their meeting was brief, awkward, and reportedly included Vance asking the Pope why Europe still exists. Later, at the Pope’s funeral, Vance was overheard muttering something about how the EU “needs to be put out of its misery” and how “Suez Canal trade isn't our problem.” Classic Vatican diplomacy.

This same guy has a foreign policy strategy called: “Let Europe handle it, unless they need lithium, then we’ll bill them.”

🔥 SignalGate 2.0: Hegseth’s Guide to National Insecurity

Meanwhile, back in America, Pete Hegseth—ex-Fox host, current national security Swiss cheese—accidentally leaked war plans in a Signal group chat that included a journalist. That’s right, folks: our defense strategy was copy-pasted into the wrong thread, somewhere between a meme of Trump riding a tank and a link to an Alex Jones protein shake.

This scandal, dubbed “SignalGate 2.0,” has been described as “shockingly stupid” by Republicans and “deeply on-brand” by everyone else. Hegseth may soon be promoted, demoted, or exiled to Truth Social’s tech support—unclear at press time.

🗺️ Peace at Gunpoint: Fun for the Whole Autocracy!

The Trump administration’s “peace” plan is a grab bag of bad ideas wrapped in a golden wrapper of real estate deals, mineral contracts, and whatever Putin wants for Christmas. It includes:

• Forcing Ukraine to give up five territories (because “why not?”)

• Letting Russia keep Crimea (retroactively “fine”)

• Europe footing the bill (because they “whined too much”)

• Ukraine repaying the U.S. in lithium and rare earth minerals (sponsored by Exxon, probably)

It’s less “peace” and more “hostage negotiation where the hostage pays for the bullet.”

🧼 Final Thoughts from the MeMo: Wash Your Hands After This Deal!

This whole farce reeks of:

• appeasement cologne,

• betrayal vodka,

• and the lingering musk of Steve Bannon’s old sweat lodge.

If history is a teacher, this peace deal is the kind that starts World War III with a coupon. And if you’re wondering whether rewarding Putin for invading Ukraine will make other dictators perk up and grab their maps—congratulations, you’ve passed Geopolitics 101.

So did you get the MeMo? When a real estate guy likes your dictator, a cable news bro leaks your military secrets, and your VP accidentally kills the Pope—maybe it’s time to rethink your foreign policy.

Or maybe… it’s just another Tuesday in Trumpworld. 🍷