Peace Through Diesel: Zero Stars. Everyone Responsible Should Be Fired.

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An increasingly furious review of a political production that refuses to get cancelled.

Thirty-nine ballistic missiles. More than 120 drones.

That is the overnight assault Zelensky reported against energy and critical infrastructure in Kyiv, the surrounding region and Kharkiv. Apparently, Russia’s interpretation of an energy ceasefire includes attempting to remove the energy infrastructure.

A bold negotiating technique.

Like agreeing to stop punching someone, then arguing that you were actually demolishing their face.

Meanwhile, Zelensky says Ukraine received no advance intelligence warning from its partners about earlier ballistic strikes on Kyiv. Trump insists US intelligence sharing continues. A complete US intelligence cutoff has not been confirmed.

Wonderful.

The intelligence is apparently being shared somewhere between the presidential reassurance and the actual fucking missile.

Perhaps it’s in the spam folder.

Perhaps Ukraine needs to upgrade to Allied Support Premium, where early warnings come bundled with a complimentary demand to stop upsetting the man bombing you.

Because Zelensky has also said Ukrainian military officials were warned that intelligence sharing could be suspended over attacks on Russian refineries.

Let that sit for a moment.

The country being invaded is asked to stop damaging the invader’s fuel infrastructure, while information that helps defend it becomes part of the bargaining conversation.

Putin’s refinery gets a customer-service department. Ukraine gets terms and conditions.

The diesel subplot

Zelensky described the Russian diesel decision as weak. Does that explain Trump’s behaviour? We don’t know. We also don’t know what private commitments were made.

But the public performance already gives us plenty to review.

Trump’s diplomacy increasingly resembles a man arriving at a house fire, admiring the arsonist’s petrol prices and asking the homeowner to be less confrontational.

“Have you considered a new attitude?”

“Yes. Have you considered a fucking fire extinguisher?”

This is imaginary dialogue. Unfortunately, the fuel deal is real.

Asked whether diesel proceeds could help finance Russia’s war, Trump responded by emphasising that the fuel was going to global markets.

Ah. International distribution.

That should reassure everyone.

The money can apparently cross borders without acquiring moral implications. A remarkable innovation in accounting.

The briefing-room spin-off

Enter Katie Zacharia, the new White House press secretary.

Her debut lasted fourteen minutes, with three questioners during the briefing, heavy reliance on prepared remarks and an unfortunate husband/president mix-up.

Fourteen minutes.

I’ve spent longer watching a printer decide whether it believes in paper.

The job is to explain what the government is doing. The performance suggested someone had been handed a presidential appreciation speech and was hoping nobody would turn it into a conversation.

A press briefing should survive contact with a question.

Otherwise, install a speaker in the podium.

It would deliver the same talking points, cost less and occasionally announce something useful, like a fire evacuation.

Special guest stars: punches and clicks

Mike Tyson has appeared alongside Trump. Jake Paul joined the Ohio campaign spectacle.

Naturally.

When the political plot stops making sense, introduce celebrity cameos.

Perhaps the next peace negotiation will include a weigh-in, sponsored hydration and a thumbnail reading:

I LET A DICTATOR BOMB A COUNTRY — YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

Jake Paul can handle engagement.

Tyson can provide the dramatic entrance.

Somebody still needs to handle the fucking government.

Celebrity applause does not intercept a missile. It does not repair a power station. It does not explain why the invaded country keeps being treated as the difficult participant.

Bonus episode: your defence has a speed limit

And now the satellite connection gets its own plot twist.

According to Reuters, presidential adviser Serhiy Beskrestnov said SpaceX restricted a military-grade Starlink service above 100 mph (160 km/h), without warning Ukrainian forces, disrupting missions. A source in Ukraine’s 7th Rapid Reaction Corps also confirmed disruptions.

This concerns restrictions on some services, not a nationwide Starlink shutdown.

Beskrestnov linked the change to the political situation. That is his assessment; the reporting does not establish a political order from Musk or Trump.

But what a magnificent system we have built.

A country’s defence can encounter something resembling a surprise software limitation while the enemy continues operating at full subscription speed.

Imagine discovering mid-mission that your crucial connection has acquired terms and conditions nobody bothered to send you.

“Your sovereignty is important to us. Please reduce speed to continue receiving support.”

That line is invented. The reported operational disruption is not.

Perhaps the next peace summit will include a product manager explaining that this is actually a feature.

War, now with surprise service restrictions. What a fucking age to be alive.

My review

Plot: The aggressor keeps attacking while everyone discusses the victim’s manners.

Lead performance: An orange blimp demanding applause for diplomacy whose results require extensive explanation.

Supporting cast: Increasingly recruited from the crossover episode nobody requested.

Sound: Presidential self-congratulation competing with air strikes.

Audience experience: Ukrainians cannot switch this off.

And that is where the television metaphor breaks.

For us, this is a grotesque political spectacle.

For people in Ukraine, it is their home, their electricity, their family and whether they get enough warning to reach shelter.

They are not extras in Trump’s peace-prize audition.

They are not a bargaining inconvenience attached to a diesel shipment.

And they should not have to flatter the most powerful man in the world to receive information that might keep them alive.

My imaginary Rotten Tomatoes score: minus one hundred percent.

The tomatoes have requested evacuation.

Cancel the fucking show.

Keep the intelligence flowing.

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Satirical commentary, October 14, 2026. Imagined dialogue, the cartoon and the review score are fictional. Zelensky has reported missing advance warnings and threats to suspend intelligence sharing; Trump says sharing continues. A complete cutoff is not established.

Sources: Kyiv Independent: overnight attack; AP: missing warnings; NPR: intelligence threats; Reuters: Trump’s response; AP: press secretary’s debut; White House: Tyson appearance; Ohio rally transcript; Reuters: Starlink restrictions, October 14; UNN: Beskrestnov’s assessment.