Trump Lost Congress. Then He Fumbled Heaven.

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Donald Trump went on 60 Minutes after Republicans lost the House and Senate. Ross Douthat asked what happened.

Trump’s first defense was that he wasn’t on the ballot.

Motherfucker, you told people to vote like you were.

They did. Turns out you were on the ballot in the same way a rat is on the menu. Nobody ordered it, but once they saw it, the whole restaurant emptied.

Douthat asked about wages and gas prices. Trump pointed to 401(k)s. Great. Next time I’m at the pump, I’ll tell the cashier my retirement account is doing well and see if he lets me put twelve shares of Nvidia in the tank.

Then Iran. Trump said the war hurt Republicans, said he’d do it again, declared victory and said a deal was still coming. Pick a fucking verb tense. Douthat was still asking how to get the military out of the Strait of Hormuz. The war is over in exactly the way my dentist is finished when he takes his hand out of my mouth to get a bigger drill.

On deportations, Trump acknowledged that the crackdown might have been too tough. He talked about people who’d spent years working in hotels and landscaping. Then came his assessment of the damage: “That hurt me.” Yes, Donald. A woman gets taken out of the country and the first thing we should ask is whether you need a minute. CBS reported that an hour after the interview, Stephen Miller got the chief of staff job. So much for the moment of reflection.

On AI safety, Trump’s big story was that he’d threatened someone at a major AI company with jail. He wouldn’t say who. I spent part of my Azure course watching a duck in Microsoft Paint get assessed for COVID. At least I knew which fucking duck.

Then Douthat asked why Trump couldn’t sell his stake in the family business. Trump explained that his sons run it. Yes. He can tell you exactly which Republican won Florida because of him. Ask who benefits when someone puts money into his own company and suddenly Dad just works here.

And finally, heaven.

Douthat asks whether Trump could forgive people like Nancy Pelosi and James Comey if that was what it took to get into paradise. Trump says he probably couldn’t. “I do hate some of my enemies and I always will.”

Donald. You don’t even have to call Nancy Pelosi. You can forgive her silently. She never has to know. There’s no press conference. Nobody gets to see you do it.

Which may be why the deal fell apart.

St. Peter: “One act of grace. Nobody will know.”

Trump: “Then what the fuck am I getting out of it?”