Clowns to the Left, Jokers to the Right. Merz in the Middle. Exit Apparently Locked.

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Mike and I would like to leave the European political circus. Unfortunately, it appears to be operating across the entire continent.

I tried taking a break from American politics.

A little mental holiday from Trump. Something closer to home. Germany. The Netherlands. Familiar places where, traditionally, the trains occasionally run and fascism is supposed to require an explanation.

That went well.

I opened the European news and immediately wanted my mental holiday refunded.

Berlin: please read the agreement you just signed

Last Saturday, Linke politicians Vanessa Emde and Cansin Köktürk attended the United4Palestine demonstration in Berlin. Ibrahim Ibrahim, reported as a supporter of the PFLP who had praised Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar, was also there. Köktürk described her role as parliamentary observation.

Supporting Palestinian civilians is entirely legitimate.

But solidarity should come with enough functioning judgment to notice who else is holding the microphone.

You can oppose the destruction of Gaza without finding yourself conveniently adjacent to people who glorify those responsible for massacring civilians.

This should not require a working group.

Berlin’s SPD, Greens and Linke had just agreed to reject antisemitism, glorification of violence and joint public appearances with actors promoting them. Now the party is embroiled in another argument over where those boundaries lie. Emde rejects accusations of antisemitism.

Wonderful.

An agreement with the durability of wet kitchen roll.

“We have clear principles.”

“Excellent. Will you be using them?”

“We’re still discussing implementation.”

Meanwhile, someone has misplaced the firewall

Over in Sachsen-Anhalt, AfD politician Tobias Rausch became the first AfD president of a German state parliament.

He received 48 votes. The AfD holds 39 seats; the BSW had promised its five. That leaves four votes beyond those parties. Because the ballot was secret, the voters’ identities are not established.

The CDU is under pressure over the result.

Of course it is.

The Brandmauer—the famous political firewall—appears to have developed a discreet side entrance.

Perhaps it was an administrative error.

Perhaps four people leaned on the wrong button.

Perhaps somebody thought “never cooperate with the far right” was more of a mood board.

Now comes the investigation.

A deeply German spectacle: a room full of people solemnly establishing how a thing happened while everyone involved insists that the thing must not happen.

The firewall remains intact. Please disregard the man walking through it carrying a parliamentary presidency.

Merz: stuck in the middle, holding the minutes

And somewhere in this arrangement stands Friedrich Merz.

He has the expression of a man who booked a respectable conference venue and discovered that the adjoining rooms contain an ideological fistfight and a secret-ballot magic act.

I’m not suddenly auditioning for the Friedrich Merz Fan Club.

But the job increasingly resembles trying to chair a residents’ meeting where one neighbour is arguing about the meaning of extremism and another has quietly given the extremists a key.

“Could everyone please behave responsibly?”

“No.”

“Could we at least establish a shared understanding of responsibly?”

“No, and your suggestion is politically motivated.”

Germany will now commission a report.

The report will recommend another meeting.

The Netherlands: your crisis has been assigned a discussion slot

Across the border, we do things differently.

We turn the chaos into a consultation process.

The Dutch government is still negotiating opposition support for its tax plans. The proposed vrijheidsbijdrage, intended to help fund defence, includes limiting the usual inflation adjustment in income tax. Opposition parties object, while disagreeing over how to replace the revenue.

A freedom contribution.

What magnificent branding.

Nothing says freedom quite like discovering it has been added to your invoice.

I understand that defence costs money. I would simply appreciate politicians explaining the bill without making it sound like a voluntary donation to the continued existence of civilisation.

Meanwhile, everybody seeks breed draagvlak.

Broad support.

The Dutch political equivalent of asking the entire restaurant what it wants for dinner before permitting the kitchen to switch on.

By the time consensus arrives, the potatoes have applied for asylum elsewhere.

Putin has not been waiting for the meeting invitation

NATO describes a continuing Russian campaign of cyberattacks, sabotage, arson and airspace violations against European allies. Today, Rutte again discussed that campaign, including an arson attack Estonia attributes to Russian special services. NATO also says it sees no imminent conventional attack on alliance territory.

That distinction matters.

But “not an imminent invasion” is a rather modest standard for a relaxing Wednesday.

Europe is trying to establish whether the unpleasant noise outside is a security incident, a hybrid operation or something requiring three ministries to agree on the wording.

Putin does not appear troubled by our administrative categories.

He can interfere with the building while we debate whether to call it interference.

Our American security partner would like an apology

The United States remains in NATO. Its military role has not simply vanished.

But Trump’s anger over allies’ limited participation in the Iran war has strained trust and raised questions about American commitments. Reuters reported that the campaign began without NATO consultation.

Imagine setting fire to the neighbour’s shed, then being furious that the neighbourhood watch didn’t bring petrol.

“I thought we were allies.”

“We thought this was a defensive alliance.”

“Well, I feel unsupported.”

Terrific.

Collective security, now with emotional dependency.

Mark Rutte gets the unenviable task of keeping the relationship functional while the rest of Europe wonders whether its emergency contact will answer the phone or demand a compliment first.

Mike and I would like to check out

At this point, Mike and I are looking for an escape route.

Nothing extravagant.

Somewhere with functioning public services, manageable bills and a government that doesn’t turn every breakfast into a threat assessment.

Mars is not an option.

No breathable atmosphere. Terrible infrastructure. And I have concerns about who might control the transport.

Also, I refuse to survive all this only to spend my remaining years arguing with a billionaire’s help desk about oxygen.

So we remain here.

Clowns to the left.

Jokers to the right.

Merz in the middle.

The Netherlands scheduling a follow-up.

Putin testing the boundaries.

Trump demanding appreciation.

And us, standing beneath the illuminated EXIT sign, discovering that the door opens directly into another fucking committee meeting.

Satirical commentary. Imagined dialogue is fictional. Sharing a demonstration does not establish that every participant endorses every other participant’s views.

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Sources: BILD: Berlin demonstration, October 10; rbb24: Linke dispute; ZDF: Rausch election; Welt: CDU criticism; ANP report: Dutch tax negotiations; NATO: October 14 press conference; Reuters: Iran-related NATO tensions.