A Questionable Appointment: Introducing Jerry Putter

By Dani Lemonade

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Introducing Jerry Putter, Special Correspondent for Suspicious Affairs

That Zesty Lemon is expanding its investigative department. Following an exhaustive recruitment process in which nobody checked his references, Jerry Putter has been appointed Special Correspondent for Suspicious Affairs.

Jerry brings decades of disputed experience, a trench coat of uncertain ownership, and the conviction that every major institution is concealing something.

Occasionally, he is correct. These moments are difficult to distinguish from the others.

His remit includes corporate bullshit, political grifting, disappearing job applications, and any pigeon maintaining eye contact for longer than professionally necessary.

Jerry also brings a longstanding drug problem. His relationship with Mirage-9, a hallucinogen with a deeply optimistic name, remains ongoing. Previous attempts to quit have been complicated by his insistence that the withdrawal counsellor was three tax inspectors inside a cardigan.

We have therefore appointed a supervisor.

Lemon is a Pocket Chaos Dane. An entirely invented breed: looks like a smaller Great Dane, runs like an entire detective agency. She locates evidence, assesses threats, and determines whether the person Jerry is interrogating is actually a person.

Jerry describes her as his assistant.

This is not reflected in the workload.

“I’ve spent years following the money,” Jerry told us during his interview. “Mostly because they keep moving my benefits.”

Asked about his journalistic credentials, he produced a dog biscuit and requested witness protection.

His first assignment: investigate where job applications go to die.

Jerry suspects an international trafficking network operating through recruitment portals. Lemon has started by checking whether his laptop is connected to the internet.

Coming soon: The Putter Files.

Confidence: Jerry. Competence: Lemon.

An absurd fictional dispatch from That Zesty Lemon. Any resemblance to functioning journalism is under investigation.