The Weekly Squeeze: Meat, Cheeks & Midterm Shrieks

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I tried taking a break from the news. Unfortunately, the news has my address, a spare key and absolutely no fucking manners. This week: presidential meat theatre, an unsolicited celebrity arse review, election rules with a Republican escape hatch, and Germany preparing for Halloween as if the pumpkins have joined an extremist cell.

America: the campaign has reached the butcher’s counter

At his 27 October Corpus Christi rally, Trump performed an imaginary James Talarico enjoying meat, complete with gestures and noises, then explained that he personally likes the stuff. The presidency has apparently become a late-night shopping channel where the product is embarrassment and the batteries are never included.

Meanwhile, at the Michigan rally on 25 October, he described Nicki Minaj as having “one hell of a beautiful ass” that was “hard to miss”. Excellent. Voters are worried about their bills; the president is conducting a rear-end inspection. Somewhere, a campaign strategist is trying to turn meat and cheeks into a five-point economic plan.

Sources: Rally transcript · CNN Newsource

Alaska: democracy, terms and conditions apply

The Justice Department has sued to stop certification of a narrow Republican Senate defeat in Alaska, citing confusion between two candidates named Dan Sullivan. Trump says he pushed for the case. His attorney general says this isn’t taking over elections. Of course. It’s merely installing a customer-service desk where one party can return an unwanted result.

There is something spectacularly rotten about preparing the complaint before the voters have finished choosing. Democracy cannot mean: pick anyone you like, provided management approves the answer.

Reporting: Reuters, 25 October

Germany: trick, treat, or water cannon?

Ahead of 31 October, Germany is bracing for youth protests and fears of violence by extremists. Cologne police cite calls by some groups and individuals for arson and property damage. Berlin police, meanwhile, report no specific intelligence of organised looting or targeted violence calls. The protest organisers reject violence.

My position remains remarkably complicated: protest all you want; don’t smash somebody’s livelihood and call the broken glass a manifesto. Equally, asking for affordable living does not automatically make a teenager the armed wing of a pumpkin.

Halloween used to involve a sheet with two eyeholes. Now it comes with a security briefing and competing interpretations of the threat level.

Cologne police · Berlin reporting · Organisers’ position, DW

The animals have also had enough

In England, Samba the capybara has been photographed seven months after escaping Marwell Zoo. Keepers are working gently towards bringing her back. I respect a woman who sees the enclosure, evaluates the management and quietly implements her exit strategy.

In North Carolina, a deer crashed through a laundromat window and scrambled over the machines. Nobody was injured. Finally, a spin cycle with an actual deer in the headlights.

Samba’s sabbatical · Laundromat chaos

This week’s sour thought

Halloween lasts one night. The clowns have a communications team.

Give the dogs a cuddle. Keep the Bullshit Signal on.