Who the Fuck Is in Charge of Keeping Anything Safe?

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This week in Europe: a man swapped a flag outside parliament, hackers meddled with supermarket refrigerators, and refrigeration controls storing blood plasma were attacked. Three separate incidents. One extremely reasonable question: WHO THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE OF KEEPING THINGS SAFE?

Because I have to identify twelve blurry motorcycles to access an online account, and I would quite like some of that energy applied to the blood supply.

Let’s start in Berlin.

According to Berlin police, a 22-year-old climbed the mast in front of the Reichstag on Sunday, removed the German Unity flag and raised a Palestinian flag. Two supporters were detained below. The climber came down about an hour later. The police statement does not explain how he initially reached the mast and began climbing.

Which leaves a small gap in the story. We know how he came down. What I would like to know is how he got to begin his little extracurricular activity in the first place.

This is the Reichstag. My mental picture of security there did not include “let’s see how far he gets.” That is a perfectly acceptable attitude toward a toddler learning to walk. Less reassuring around a national monument.

And yes, once somebody is high up a mast, the response has to keep people safe. I am interested in the earlier stage. Before the emergency becomes a specialist climbing problem. The stage traditionally known as “hang on, what’s this guy doing?”

As for the stunt itself: solidarity does not make somebody else’s flagpole your personal account dashboard. You don’t get administrator privileges because you feel strongly about something.

Now, you might think: fine, that’s a physical-security question. At least the digital world has safeguards. Please hold that comforting thought while we visit the dairy aisle.

Across several European countries, attackers manipulated supermarket refrigeration controls. German stores were among those affected, and large quantities of food had to be thrown away. Your groceries, now participating in an unsolicited cybersecurity demonstration.

Of course. We connected the fridge to the internet, and now the cheese needs a threat assessment. I was promised technology would save me time. Instead I need to ask whether my groceries survived a hostile takeover.

A fridge has one job. Cold. It is practically the entire brand. If an outsider can interfere with that, I don’t want a presentation about the exciting future of connected infrastructure. I want someone to explain why the fucking cold box stopped being a reliably cold box.

And then we move from the supermarket to blood storage. Because apparently this story needed a point where the laughter catches in your throat.

Then came the French blood service. An attack affecting a refrigeration provider reached control systems at three cold-storage sites for plasma and blood samples. Alarms detected the problem, staff secured or moved supplies, and the service reported no lost blood products or identified health consequences.

That matters: the alarms and staff did their job. No blood products lost. Give those people the credit. Give them the budget. Give them a chair that doesn’t slowly descend during meetings.

But catching an attack does not make the route in irrelevant. A smoke alarm saving your house is excellent news. You would still like to know who got into the kitchen with a flamethrower.

These incidents do not establish a common attacker or a common technical flaw. They do expose a common public frustration: we discover the limits of protection after somebody else has helpfully demonstrated them.

And then comes the reassurance. Security is a priority. Lessons will be learned. Robust measures. Comprehensive reviews. You can practically hear the printer warming up. Finally, something getting hot exactly as intended.

I want the boring answers. Who had access? Who was responsible for restricting it? What worked? What failed? What changes now? Boring answers are wonderful. Boring answers keep you from having an exciting afternoon involving emergency services and a freezer.

Instead, the public is left trying to distinguish “secure” from “nothing terrible happened this time.” Those are very different products. One is protection. The other is a near miss wearing a tie.

Flagpole. Food. Blood. The stakes change dramatically. The demand is embarrassingly basic: keep unauthorised hands off the important stuff. And if the plan relies on strangers being decent, congratulations. You haven’t built security. You’ve organised a trust fall for an entire fucking continent.

Today’s sour thought

“My fridge is online. My confidence in the people protecting it has disconnected.”

Commentary and satire. Reporting: Berlin police, 8 November 2026; Tagesschau, supermarket refrigeration attacks; DW, French blood-service refrigeration attack. No common perpetrator is alleged here.